For a long time I’ve felt that I’ve been further from God than I have been, than I should be, than I want to be. I’ve told myself “I want to be closer to God, but I don’t know how. I can’t do it. It just isn’t working.” The usual solutions, prayer, reading the bible, worship don’t all come easily to me, though I have been a regular church attender for most of my life.
But somehow it seems to be happening. I think it all comes down to wanting God and choosing him above conflicting things in my life. I’ve long believed that making a tough decision, and going in the direction we feel led, is when we grow and that still applies. If you deny yourself something that you believe God says ‘No’ to then He will be pleased and bring you closer to Him.
I don’t know how it works, if it is wanting God or if the wanting is the result of choosing. I don’t know how to “want” one thing more than another, I wish it were that easy. I guess it’s just a habit. Either way, I feel like I’ve gotten to the point where I do want God more than a relationship or a great-paying job or anything else. I want it to stay that way, even if it means more tough choices. The tough choices become easier when the reward is fellowship with God, though.